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Blade Kitten (Xbox 360)

Louis Bedigian

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I can’t remember the last time a game character was so annoying that I was tempted to make him or her the focus of a review. I suspect this is because I tend to skip the story sequences that annoy (read: torture) me, thereby reducing the likelihood that a character’s deepest flaws will become prevalent. But whether I skipped the story sequences in Blade Kitten or let them play out like a CD set to repeat, it was impossible to ignore the flaws of leading lady Kit Ballard.

Her problems run much deeper than sub-par voice acting and lame remarks that are neither cool nor endearing. In combat, Kit lacks personality. Sure, she can wave her arms to wield a hovering sword – a sight that will no doubt make players wish that Kinect or PS Move was a part of the experience. But the sword moves so haphazardly that it totally sidesteps the art of being surreal, instead falling into the realm of clunky and forgettable.

This depressing first impression is significant because it sets the stage for disappointment. Sadly, Blade Kitten completely lives up to that expectation. Part Devil May Cry-clone, part Castlevania-wannabe, Blade Kitten is, at best, a generic experience. The 2D setting is no doubt refreshing; outside of XBLA, PSN and the Nintendo DS, there aren’t many side-scrolling action games available. However, the execution is unabashedly boring. In addition to her hovering sword attacks, Kit can double-jump, climb on walls and ceilings, and call upon the help of Skiffy (a weird creature that can fly) to grab crystals that are out of reach. But with so few options, players will repeat the same actions more times than they can count.

Crystals are the currency of choice in Blade Kitten, and their worth is just as limited as Kit’s attack moves. You can buy items (to increase Kit’s health and stamina), new swords and new outfits. But the upgrades are marginal, the outfits are lame, and you only need to save up and purchase the best sword – not all three.

Even if you like the apparel options, Kit isn’t cool enough to justify the aesthetic adjustments, and that’s a big problem. Blade Kitten’s half-woman, half-feline star should be able to spark some interest in anime-loving gamers. However, her appeal is lost the moment she opens her mouth.

Assuming this isn’t your first video game, there’s a good chance you’ve suffered through voice-overs that are far worse than anything you’ll hear in Blade Kitten. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make Kit’s voice more appealing. Her inflection is whiny yet confident, almost as if she’s a scared little kitty that’s trying to put on a good show. If it were done properly, this might have been a performance worth talking about. But her dialogue is terrible, as are the words of her female adversary.

To make matters worse, Kit walks around with the most pretentious set of facial expressions I’ve seen since Dr. Robotnik became Dr. Eggman. (He was unusually proud of the name change, wasn’t he?) It’s enough to make you want to skip every sequence that appears, which lead to the one bright spot in this game’s story. Unlike a certain Metroid sequel developed by Team Ninja, Blade Kitten doesn’t force you to sit through any of its atrocious movie scenes.

Sadly, there are no bright spots to be found within the level designs, which are more repetitive than the tunnels of an ant farm. The game follows a traditional pattern of gameplay: run, jump and climb. Considering how successful this pattern has been for other games (Donkey Kong Country, Jak & Daxter, Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light, to name a few), it isn’t something that’s easy to complain about. But this game makes it easy, mostly because there isn’t anything exciting that happens among the running, jumping and climbing. The occasional boss battle might have been enough to excite gamers 25 years ago, but the weak spot is much too predictable.

Within the first 45 minutes, you’ll swear that you’ve climbed the same ceiling at least three times, which very well could be true. The levels are little more than unbalanced mazes; without a map to lead the way, it’s very easy to walk and climb in circles.

Backtracking is an unavoidable beast, often because the game fails to fully explain why a particular switch can’t be activated yet. And when Blade Kitten takes the time to explain something, it does so via pop-up windows that appear while standing in front of an info marker. Aside from being one of the oldest ways to implement a tutorial, the info windows disappear the moment Kit steps away from the marker, thus forcing the player to stand still in order to receive the full message.

Artistically, players might appreciate the rustic, medieval-inspired environments. While the backdrops are mostly comprised of rocks, trees, hilltops, and man-made structures (such as concrete buildings and metallic elevators), there are times when the game feels slightly futuristic. This is mostly due to the vehicle and robot designs, which could be described as the unfortunate lovechild of Final Fantasy and Star Wars: The Clone Wars. But they’re not the only ones; Blade Kitten also features a small, slithering monster whose otherworldly appearance will conjure thoughts of the future – and outer space.

Regrettably, none of these enemies provide a significant challenge. Most of them can be defeated by blocking their attacks and retaliating the moment they stop moving. Others can be taken out by jumping over them when they block; since they’ll never think to turn around, you’ll be free to stab them in the back. To make matters worse, the robot animations – particularly their facial expressions – are downright laughable. It’s not that I expected the enemies to show a great deal of emotion, but if Ratchet & Clank’s leading robot could pull that off eight years ago, Blade Kitten should have been able to as well.

Despite all of these issues – the agonizing level designs, the clunky and repetitive combat, and the too-awful-to-watch story sequences – nothing compares to the game’s most damaging flaw: it doesn’t know when to quit. Considering the price ($15) and the gameplay style, you’ll expect the game to end five or six times before it finally concludes. Long before that moment comes, most players will wonder why they ever started; others will simply wish they could get their money back.

Sorry, gamers. There are no returns with digital distribution.

Rating: D

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